Certainly, the most difficult issues for modern couples is the ability to commit ones’ self to a personal relationship as well as to a career or demanding work. In an article recently in Style Magazine; Actress Julianne Moore in the March issue was quoted as saying “At the end of the day, the
thing that gives me meaning is my family. But work is a huge expression of who I am, what my interests are in the world. It would be hard not to have both things. There is no career vs. family- its’ both. It’s life.”

In my years of practice in the field of psychology, I have encountered the issue of personal self-worth and achievement as well as maintaining a
functional, healthy relationship. It is especially difficult for a woman in today’s society to have a career which is highly competitive and demanding
as well the demands of being mother and wife. It is my opinion that the most difficult job that any of us have is that of parenting.  It is especially true
for a woman who has to bare the child, feed the child, and nurture the child.
This is true for the first years of the child’s life. Certainly, a fathers’ involvement is important but a mothers’ consistent involvement and time is not just important but vital to survival.

I am not a believer that there is such a thing as quality time. This concept existed 20 years ago when women were introduced into the work force and worked long hours away from family settings. In order to cope with a woman’s guilt and stress of not being their for her children and spouse, the concept of quality time was invented that it was primarily the if a women spent half hour concentrated effort, no distraction with her child, that this was equal to half a day that a mother might spend in activities with her child. It is my opinion that there is no such thing as quality time that all there really is is time.

The more time a parent invests with their children, the more benefits that will result in a child’s’ growth. Unfortunately, there is no substitute for mothering. A mother is the most important person in any of our lives and is the person who we often look too for nurturance and guidance. A healthy relationships with our mothers in our societies seem to benefit and have an easier time of adjustment in society than those who have had dysfunctional relationships with their mother.

In psychology, it is quite interesting that many of the diagnoses in the DSM IV relate to the relationship that one has with their mothers and
approximately 70% of all mental disorders have a connection to the initial relationship with our mothers. This puts a great burden on the responsibility of being a parent and especial that of motherhood. It is certainly a lot easier for males in our society to be a father since the traditional role of father is to be a provider and not so much a nurturer. If both parents choose to work to meet their life goals then it is necessary that the father be a nurturer in order to provide for the needs of the children.

Now it is also possible in our society to be a family and not have children.
That is a new definition of a family. An adult committed relationship without children is now considered a family. This type of family is confronted with the commitment of both people to the relationship. Relationships are like living entities and need to be continuously addressed. The most difficult part of life for most human beings seems to be having a functional relationship. When one looks at an individuals career vs. relationship a person can have highly successful career, eg. note: Movie Stars and Public Officials but not have a successful relationship. This again points to how difficult it is to have a successful relationship.

Every human being needs to touch and be touched. Each of us have thoughts and feelings so deep and personal that words will simply not bear their weight. And yet, we long to communicate them, to share them with another. Our most intense joy is amplified and given permanence by being shared. Our deepest feats and anxieties are made endurable and manageable by being shared. But they can only be truly shared in their full depth and significance when they are shared in the totality of who we are. They cry out for touch. We need to touch.

Perhaps in our artificial technologized culture we need the closeness and intimacy of touch more than ever. Our western culture has achieved such a level of cerebration, of the worship of intellect and intellectualizing, that we are terrified of touch. We have so hidden from ourselves those deep feelings about which we cannot intellectualize that their sheer pressure inside of us terrifies us. We are taught almost from birth that man’s glory is his intellect and his emotions are fetters from which he needs to be freed. Emotions are to be risen above, avoided, denied, escaped.

 One of the greatest unlearned lessons of history is that emotional and intellectual freedom is to be found not in freedom from feelings, but in being freed for them. Indeed, I have come to the conclusion that what differentiates man from the beasts is not his mental skill, for all his superiority in that. What sets man apart most profoundly is the depth and complexity of his capacity for emotion.

We need to share ourselves with each other as surely as we need to breathe. But just as surely, that sharing cannot be accomplished on a merely verbal level. What we need to communicate is more primal, more basic, than language. You have perhaps heard of the nursery babies who die without the human touch, who need only to be played with, handled and cuddled to survive. Recent experiments with baby monkeys, even, indicate that without the physical intimacy of mothering they do not develop properly. Those completely starved of touch, die. Research in the teaching of reading indicates that not only is verbal facility — the ability to use words — not our primary mode of communication, but children who do not crawl, and touch, and handle things, almost invariably have difficulty with language. The thought and word are not our primary mode of communication. We are primarily animals who touch! Our deepest thoughts and feelings can only be communicated by touch . . . by physical intimacy.

When your child comes to you, frightened and hurt, TELL him you care, TELL him you love him, TELL him you are sorry. Then TOUCH him. Take him in your arms and cuddle him. Then he will believe you. Then he will know you care. But to whom can you go when you are frightened or hurt? With whom can you share those deepest feelings, which can, only be shared by touching? We adults have limited touch to three areas. We allow the handshake and such similar symbolic, but safe, gestures. We may touch in sexual intercourse. And we may touch in hostility, where one feeling — anger –protects us from others that might burst out. That is just about it! So far as a language of touch is concerned, we have condemned ourselves to a sort of pig latin where, when we touch at all, our meaning must always be veiled.

Let as examine the three areas of touch open to us. A handshake. Why this symbol? I am told that this ritual derives from the days when men wore swords. They held out their unarmored hand as a gesture of peace and trust. But why is it still with us if it fills not need in our arsenal of communication. The handshake is a ritualized caress. It is a symbolic reestablishment of communication. As a gesture of friendship, no symbol could be as powerful as that of touch. For there is power in touch. it demands and communicates a dimension of commitment and trust unlike any other form of communication. I may talk to you and remain hidden from you. But, if we touch, I am vulnerable. I may reveal more of myself to you than I can trust you with. There is a feeling of control in verbal discourse that is absent with physical intimacy. Sham and pretense is much more difficult.

This is precisely why we are wary of touching. It is a terribly risk-filled form of human relatedness. The more so because we need it so much and
are starved for it. We are well aware that if the power of touch is loosed, those feelings that we keep carefully bottled up inside may come spilling out.

Touch has the power to burst the floodgates of our dammed up emotional lives.  And we are right! Touch is dangerous. Is is not by accident that we use the same word . . . feeling . . . to refer to emotion and to touching. They are closely related. So, when we meet after a period of separation, we shake hands. We need to reestablish contact, to be together again. But touch is dangerous. So we keep it off, out there. The handshake becomes at the same time a caress and a fending off, a contact and a buffer. We need to touch, but we are afraid of its power and the trust it demands

The second area of touch we allow ourselves . . . sexual .intimacy . . . is really our only area of open intimacy. In bed, preferably with a member of
the opposite sex and properly only one who is a legal mate, we finally allow ourselves to touch. There we may speak, as only touch can, of who we are
and how we feel. That the courtship-intercourse-situation is virtually our only allowable intimacy. And so we fill that one allowable intimacy with all of our needs to touch. We thrust all sorts of totally inappropriate feelings into that relationship. That one act must bear the weight of all our needs to communicate what cannot be said! Is it any wonder our culture is obsessed with sex, and yet plagued with problems and frustrations about it?

Is it any wonder our teenagers, like their parents, are hung up on sex? The only vocabulary of feeling we have given them is that of seduction. in
any given parked car with young people necking, there is involved FAR LESS sex than the need to be close to another — to speak in touch the anxiety, the joy, the affirmation and the uncertainty of being alive; to give and to receive the comfort and security of being together that CANNOT be said.

There is, in back of our so-called sexual revolution, more than simply new attitudes towards sex. There is rather a groping for a now vocabulary of
feeling. The major problem in that revolution is not the threat of sexual license. The major problem is our culturally inherited inability to distinguish the need for an expression of sex, from the rest of our deepest feelings . . .the inability to distinguish physical intimacy from seduction.
The final area where we allow ourselves to touch is that of overt hostility. It is seen in contact sports; both those in which we engage and those we watch, touching vicariously. It is seen in the discipline of children. It is seen in the various outbursts of physical violence, even in much antisocial behavior.

The need to touch can he expressed in hostility while minimizing the risk of the floodgates bursting. The expression of strong hostility keeps the other feelings from being revealed. There is more love present but hidden, in most of our acts of anger than we are often aware. And, tragically, many a child is only able to get physical intimacy from his parent by misbehaving. The consequent emotional confusion, misunderstanding, and apparent irrationality that clutter our lives are quite understandable in light of our starvation for touch. This unfortunate state of affairs even infects that one intimacy we allow ourselves. Misplaced and misused hostility is often responsible for our hang ups in our sexual adjustment.

To whom Can YOU go when YOU are frightened, or hurt, or just need to be WITH someone? To whom can you go for the human touch? To a handshake? To a fight?  Or, to bed?  We are alone with our deepest feelings, and we long to share them. But we have cut ourselves off from this most profound means of communication We have invested too much stock in talk and we are in danger of bankruptcy. No one is hung up for lack of an argument . . . philosophical, theological or scientific. NO ONE! if we would administer to the terrors and hurts of the world; if we- would care, the only way caring can be heard; if we would be whole again, and bring wholeness to those we love; we must, perhaps, become as little children, and learn again the human touch.

”To pass among them or touch any one, or rest my arm over so lightly around his or her neck for a moment, what is this then? I do not ask any more delight, I swim in it as in a sea. There is something in staying close to men and women and looking on then, and in the contact and odor of them, that pleases the soul well, All things please the soul, but these please the soul well.” from “I Sing The Body Electric,” LEAVES OF GRASS
By Walt Whitman

Recently, I was contacted by KGO Radio Station to give a response to this interesting question. The audience and callers were specifically interested
knowing if there is psychological data which supports an appropriate age for a young person to begin a sexual activity. It is my opinion that there is no such standard which currently applies.

If we look at anthropological and sociological history we find that our ancestors were in fact beginning the mating ritual at a much earlier age and
primarily this was driven by the need to survive. Our ancestors did not survive as long we currently able too, and as such began reproduction earlier in there lives. Still today there are parts of our world were young women are married at the age of fifteen and sixteen and begin to deliver children immediately due to non-use of birth control. Certainly, in a developed country such as the United States and most of Europe the knowledge and use of birth control is greater and young couples if they are choosing to be married are choosing not to have children until later in life. However, the trend seems to be in the United States that people are marrying or committing themselves at least to a relationship much later in life and therefore are postponing starting families.

This does not however indicate that young Americans are postponing sexual activities. It is not uncommon for seniors in high school to be sexually active. It is my belief that the current politically correct drive to postpone sex until marriage is just that, political in nature, that still the human sexual drive and human need exists as it always has. Young people are choosing to express this in their personal way. It is my opinion that it is important for an individual to know the consequences of a sexual relationship. The possibility that not only pregnancy may be possible but that there is also an inherent risk regards to contracting sexually transmitted diseases. When a young person is able to understand these factors and is able to discuss this openly with there partner, then it is my opinion that they may be mature enough and capable to enter a sexual relationship. If a young couple is not able to discuss these openly with each other or significant adults in their lives, they are not prepared to deal with the consequences that involve an intimate relationship.  They may be considered too young to be sexually active.

Sexual activities between two human beings should not be measured by guilt or negative feels. It is necessary that the individual’s religious and personal beliefs are consistent with their behavior. In doing so, there will be no guilt or loss of self-esteem. If this indeed can be done then, their behavior should be considered as being responsible and appropriate. Certainly, those two standards need to apply not only to sexual activities but to all types of human behavior.

Most of us believe that we need to make changes and certain choices which are better for us such as save more money, reduce gas consumption, eat healthier, or exercise more but we do not carry out these choices. This is a common psychological stressor which causes a “want-should” conflict. It is easier for us to consider all necessary changes and improvements in the context of tomorrow or in the future. The concept of implementing it in the present and making the change now is terrifying and debilitating. When making decisions we often think that we can make certain choices but do not want to make them right now.

Psychological experiments have shown that people are more likely to choose what they believe they should choose when the choice will be implemented in the future rather than implemented immediately; a tendency which is referred in the literature as “future lock-in.” Future implemented choices are construed at a higher level than immediately implemented choices, and this difference mediates the increased support for the should choice resulting in future implementation. All of us feel that in our future we will behave more virtuously and be better. Even though we are doing nothing actively to reach that level we all tend to think that we all are going to feel and do better in our future.

This type of thinking is consistent with our form of government in which we are living now at the expense of our future. Everyone realizes that we are spending and doing things that we do not have money for. However, the belief is that in our future we will be much more prosperous and, therefore, will be able to pay for our current needs. This type of mentality is interpreted on the personal level as well. People end up over charging and spending because their opinion is that they need it now and want the gratification now with the belief that in the future there will be some kind of prosperity or answers to help them meet their needs.

This type of future-lock can only temporarily sooth us and help us because there is no doubt that the burden which we create for ourselves either financially or personally will always be noted and be constant, and as such trying to be happy is an impossibility. You must learn to live for the moment. All we can effectively do is deal with the present. The past can no longer be changed and the future is not under our control. What is under our control is our daily actions and our daily living. It is better for us to shorten our future to an 8 hour span, or possibly 12, and no further. On a daily basis it is best for us to set goals that we can accomplish within that day versus setting goals that will be accomplished years in the future. This is not to say that a person should not have dreams or aspirations. However, it is clear that in order to meet those dreams and aspirations there must be some active pursuance and diligence on a daily basis. If one does not act in that manner there is no future gratification as well.

Being responsible and attentive to our daily needs and those of our loved ones is the primary focus of how to achieve future success. Making the difficult choices and the difficult changes on a daily basis is the only way that there will be a healthy and happy future.

During the course of the 20th century companies and governments around the world have developed a new perception of the role of women in the workplace and in positions of power. Little by little women have risen to higher positions in academia, politics, and the professions. These women have shown that they can be as confident and as effective as men. As Nuria Chinchilla, a professor of business in Madrid, Spain, stated at a recent women’s conference, “Feminine genius and energy will transform society and modern companies during the 21st century.” According to Professor Chinchilla, “Every woman must directly deal with difficult obstacles in order to achieve the ambition of a good life that fulfills professional goals and roles of a mother, wife, and citizen. To achieve total integration and harmony, they must move toward a new concept of success that involves freedom and flexibility in their corporate cultures as well as social conditions.”
Government plays a helpful role by instituting policies that assist and promote participation by women in all aspects of life including politics, business, and the family. Professor Chinchilla, who conducts conferences of modern-day women, says that women in general have a much higher ambition level than men although, to achieve success, both genders must work together. As Chinchilla offers, “No two people are alike. So why not talk about diversity instead of equality.” She asserts that fraternity is a term that can refer to either maternity or paternity and, as such, emphasizes the need for all people to be accepted equally. In their broadest sense, success in life and respect for the individual are fundamental in all cultures. Women are well adapted to working without reward or remuneration. An example of this is the many hours women labor to care for children and life partners. Many women believe, however, that they must give up their career ambitions to care for their families because it seems impossible to
pursue both their personal and professional goals. As a result, many talented people are lost along the way. Within the discussion of whether a woman should be president is the necessary and fundamental question of whether, as the main goal of modern civilization, we can achieve a healthy balance between work and family. It certainly would seem that if we expect our human species to continue and for us to realize the full advantage of the creativity and expertise of women, then retaining women with talent in the workplace and allowing them to fulfill both their personal and professional needs will save a great deal of money and contribute a great deal of value to both government and the private sector.
As a poet once said, we live in interesting times. If a woman is going to be president it will certainly necessitate a major shift in individual attitudes to one that is based on acceptance of diversity and equality. We will need to strive for the inclusion of all people in our society at every level. When this happens our future will be brighter and our focus on basic human needs will be stronger.
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We live at a time in this society where news and information has a negative connotation and tense. It is very easy for us to ascribe to negative ideas and negative thoughts. Being optimistic and a happy-go-lucky person is difficult to maintain in this type of societal environment. However, if we choose to stay positive we are rewarded with much better results and a different type of lifestyle. People who are positive are found to live longer, live healthier, and overall live happier. An optimist is not an individual who has no negative events in his life or stress. The difference is that an optimist will see the glass as being half-full versus half-empty. The difference is everything.

There are some habits an individual can learn to stay positive. What I learned from my partner and wife is that talking on the phone is one of the most positive experiences in her day. Just talking with her friends and discussing issues of life helps her cope better with stressors and lower her blood pressure. Her long term relationships provide many physical benefits. Talking with friends on a telephone has benefits, but even better is personal contact.

Another important habit for people is to say thank-you. As my granddaughters are learning at the ages of two and five, saying thank-you on a regular basis for things that are done for you or are helpful to you makes them smile. It is hard to be bitter and mad when you are feeling grateful. This is something that we forget as we get older, not realizing that it is still important to say thank-you. Certainly, in a healthy relationship saying thank-you is necessary to keep the communication channels open.

Another positive habit which is necessary for us to practice on a daily basis is what I call “random acts of kindness.” These are good deeds that boost your sense of well-being and happiness. These deeds you do just because it gives you pleasure to be nice. These are things such as giving up a seat on a bus, buying an extra coffee for a coworker, letting someone step in front of you with one item or less at a grocery checkout. When you do these things you find that the payback really exceeds the effort. You immediately get instant gratification by realizing how others appreciate your kindness. Psychological research finds that five random acts of kindness a day is the optimum level of performance to help us feel good. However, don’t worry, if that is too high a quota, random acts of kindness spontaneously delivered are also rewarding.

Stop and smell the roses! It is important for us on a regular basis to take some time for ourselves to make either a written assessment or a mental note of our accomplishments as well as expectations for the future. When you do a life review you get to list your accomplishments and there is an self-esteem booster. When you begin to consider events for the future you begin to have a positive outlook for future rewards. In retrospect, when you look at events that were bad you begin to realize that these served as opportunities to you to grow. Even though the challenge and experience at the time was negative the outcome was positive in that it made you become a stronger, better person. Remember, “that which does not kill you does make you stronger.”

If all of this seems too good for you and you see yourself more as a pessimist, that is a feisty spirit who loves to complain, criticize, and generally mix it up with others, but then you also like to take action. This is also found to be better for you than being a passive pessimist. We all know the saying, “He is too ornery to die young.” This somehow seems to prove out statistically. Even individuals who are ornery but somehow are active in their lifestyle seem to benefit by living a longer life. It is not clear that these people can say that they are happy, however, they seem to do better than passive pessimists who are paralyzed with gloom and doom.

The choice is to be optimistic and incorporate optimistic and healthful ways to stay a happy individual or choose to be an active pessimist, gain a reputation as such, and be alone. Whatever you choose, the message is the same….. “just do something”.

What is EMDR Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful new method of doing psychotherapy. To date, EMDR has helped an estimated half million people of all ages relieve many different types of psychological distress.

How was EMDR Developed? In 1987, psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity of disturbing thoughts under certain conditions. Dr. Shapiro studied this effect scientifically and, in 1989, she reported success using EMDR to treat victims of trauma in the Journal of Traumatic Stress. Since then, EMDR has developed and evolved through the contributions of therapists and researchers all over the world. Today, EMDR is a set of protocols that incorporate elements from many different treatment approaches.

How does EMDR work? No one knows exactly how EMDR works. However, we do know that when a person is very upset, their brain cannot process information as it does ordinarily. One moment becomes “frozen in time,” and, remembering a trauma may feel as bad as going through it the first time because the images, sounds, smells, and feelings haven’t changed. Such memories have a lasting negative effect on the way a person sees the world and relates to other people that interferes with his or her life.

EMDR seems to have a direct effect on the way that the brain functions. Normal information processing is resumed, so following a successful EMDR session, the images, sounds, and feelings no longer are relived when the event is brought to mind. What happened is still remembered, but it is less upsetting. Many types of therapy have similar goals. However, EMDR appears to be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Therefore, EMDR can be thought of as a physiologically based therapy that helps a person see disturbing material in a new and less distressing way.

But does EMDR REALLY work? A number of scientific studies have shown that EMDR is effective, for example, the prestigious Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology published research by Wilson, Becker, and Tinker in December 1995. This study of 80 subjects with post – traumatic stress demonstrated that clients improved significantly with EMDR treatment, and further study showed that this beneficial effect was maintained for at least 15 months. The findings from this and other studies indicate that EMDR is highly effective and that results are long lasting. For further references, a bibliography of research on EMDR may be obtained through EMDRIA.

What is the actual EMDR session like? During EMDR, the therapist works with the client to identify a specific problem to be the focus of a treatment session. The client calls to mind the disturbing issue or event, what was seen, felt, heard, thought, etc., and what thoughts and beliefs currently are held about that event. The therapist facilitates by directional movement of the eyes or other bilateral stimulation of the brain while the client focuses on the disturbing material, and the client just notices whatever comes to mind without making any effort to control direction or content. Each person will process information uniquely, based on personal experience and values. It is important to understand that there is no way for the client to do EMDR incorrectly! Sets of eye movements are continued until the memory becomes less disturbing and is associated with positive thought and beliefs about oneself; for example, “I did the best I could.” During EMDR the client may experience intense emotions, but by the end of the session most people report a great reduction in the level of disturbance.

How long does EMDR take? One or more sessions are required for the therapist to understand the nature of the problem and to decide whether EMDR is an appropriate treatment. The therapist also will discuss EMDR more fully and provide an opportunity to answer any questions about the method. Once therapist and client have agreed that EMDR is appropriate for a specific problem, the actual EMDR therapy can begin. A typical EMDR session lasts about 90 minutes. The type of problem, life circumstances, and the amount of previous trauma will determine how many treatment sessions are necessary. A single session of EMDR is sufficient in some cases. However, a typical course of treatment is 3 to 10 sessions, performed weekly, or every other week. EMDR may be used within a standard “talk-ing” therapy, as an adjunctive therapy with a separate therapist, or as a treatment all by itself.

What kind of problems can EMDR treat? Scientific research has established EMDR as effective for post traumatic stress. However, clinicians have reported success using EMDR in treatment of the following conditions:
• Post traumatic Stress
• Phobiaspanic Attacks
• Performance Anxiety
• Dissociative Disorders
• Stress Reduction
• Sexual and/or Physical Abuse
• Disturbing Memories
• Complicated Grief
• Anxiety Disorders
• Addictions

Does insurance cover EMDR? If your policy covers standard psychotherapy it most likely will cover EMDR. Currently, the EMDR International Association (EMDRIA) is working towards establishing a specific EMDR code for insurance reimbursement.